life goes on…

life does go on… whether I can keep up with it or not.

This week school is back in full swing.  Its been a busy week. And a very emotional one for me. It feels like just about everything has triggered an emotional response from me this week.

I was super stressed out by last-minute changes in plans or requests of me.
I was extra-irritated being told “you’re doing the right thing by not having kids while in school”  by someone who has no clue what just happened with me.
I was jealous when I heard a fellow student dropped out of the program before classes began.
I was overwhelmed when my teacher stopped me in the hall during our first break and said “what’s wrong? something’s wrong…” on the first day of class.
I was frustrated and upset by discussions about the future…where we will potentially move, paying off our ridiculous student loans, when I can get pregnant again…

I’m sensitive. And sad. And I feel alone in my feelings. I know Im not alone. My family and friends have been wonderful in trying to support me how they can.

Thursday I went back to the office and had my labs redrawn.  That was fun. Please make me sit and wait a long time in a small waiting room with pregnant women. My midwife called today and told me my beta hcg was 37. It needs to be less than 5.  So I will have to go back in 2 weeks to repeat it.  Which sucks. I don’t want a looming future reminder.

The next few months have a lot of challenges ahead for me. My doctoral project has to take shape.  Matt will be gone for a month. I will be doing night clinicals at the hospital with the greatest number of delivers in the nation. It’s a baby factory. Monday night brings the beginning of the rest of my life of attending births.   I will finally start my Intrapartum clinicals and my hands will be catching babies as of next week.  I am anxious and excited and hoping it’s not too much of an emotional roller-coaster for me.

quote of the week

the week I was pregnant

that’s right. past tense.

over the weekend our little miracle slipped away.

I started cramping Thursday night, after my post.  Didn’t think much of it, cramping can be normal.  By Friday mid-day I had a little spotting… still wasn’t too worried.  But when I talked to the nurse about my lab levels on Friday afternoon, that’s when it started to unravel.  My beta hcg was 75.  low, but not conclusive of anything.  my progesterone level, was another story, it was only 2.7 (it should be >10).  the nurse told me the spiel about reasons to call if I start bleeding heavier… yada yada yada… and I started to cry. because I’m supposed to be on the other side of that conversation, not on the receiving end.

of course the CNM student I am, I wanted to know what those numbers really meant.  well, it turns out that a progesterone <10, coupled with symptoms of pain and bleeding, is nearly 96% indicative of a non-viable pregnancy. at the time, I wanted to un-read that.  but I couldn’t.  those numbers sucked, but it helped me prepare for the rest of the weekend.  so that by Saturday night, I knew.  I didn’t have to wonder.

we are sad.

it wasn’t even a full week, that I knew I was pregnant.  but it was a week that changed my life.  i knew that 15-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage when I saw that positive pregnancy test. but i underestimated how deeply we could be affected in such a short time.  I really appreciated this quote I found online.

Sometimes love last a moment.
Sometimes love lasts a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.
-anonymous